Hammer Pants

You wore the shit out of them in 4th grade; they were the kind with the flaps that buttoned together in the front, and you would run around the playground, flapping like a penguin. Color wasn't as important to you then, and that drab navy floral in cheap jersey, faded to a dull fuzz from multiple washes, was enough to fuel your pterodactyl fantasies as you tore frantically around the schoolyard.

Now, the intimidating "new volume" that has been mercilessly thrusting bubble skirts and waistless frocks at your short ass for 5 or 6 seasons now, is finally doing you a favor with harem pants that billow, bloom, and peg in that pleasant, moony crescent you loved so much. Some even have those front flaps.

I prefer a fabric with a bit of structure - silk taffeta or fine, starched cotton. However, I've seen cotton jersey employed to lovely effect. Now my short ass needn't fear peeking up out of those damn slim-fit jeans.
Thank God.